im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
