And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
