hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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