I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
We have so much sex to catch up on
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
