Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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