I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Randomize
