mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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