I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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