Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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