I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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