And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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