So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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