Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Someone came in the potted fern
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
