so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
