You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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