Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
