I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
