I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
