i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
