Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Dignity is for republicans.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
