i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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