The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
