the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
