Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Two words: blizzard sex
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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