I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
