our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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