People in love make me want to vomit
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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