I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
