You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
