Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize