his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
