i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
