Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize