Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
