You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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