The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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