Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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