The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
