you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
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