I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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