I'm sorry my penis didn't work
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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