I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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