ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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