i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
