good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
