Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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