Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize