And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
