Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
