Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
