this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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