There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
