We won't sleep together?
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
