He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
