Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Operation Purity has been aborted
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
