Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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