The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
