that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
