What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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