i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
We're too hungover to prance.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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