My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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