i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
