WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
