your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
